“When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.”
~ Paulo Coelho
Hello, readers! This week, I’m here to talk about something we’ve all fallen prey to at some point: the painful, internal push to people please. This is not about those instances where we simply aim to make others happy out of kindness or love. Rather, it’s the many uncomfortable forms of ‘no’ that we find it difficult to articulate and stand by. Of course, like with all behaviors and traits, people pleasing lives exists on a spectrum.
I have some clients that would identify as always being compliant and accommodating no matter the circumstance. While others that I coach, only find that they exhibit this coping mechanism with certain people. And I use the term ‘coping mechanism’ because people pleasing can be seen as a way to manage interpersonal relationships, particularly when there’s a fear of rejection, or a belief that the other person values you for what you do, as opposed to who you are. When you struggle to fully love and accept yourself, the need for others to validate, approve, accept and love you begins to take over your entire world. We’ll dig deeper into self-acceptance and self-love in the next post. For now, let’s break down this pattern of people pleasing, look at its impact on you and explore healthier ways you can have more balanced relationships.
What is People Pleasing?
It’s important to define this and uncover the motivation behind people pleasing because many people aren’t fully tuned into what they are doing. In other words, people often believe they are being nice or avoiding rudeness by sacrificing their own authentic feelings. So, when you hear the term “people pleaser,” you might envision someone who is simply kind and thoughtful and ask, “What’s so wrong with a little courtesy?” Well, nothing. But people pleasing is a bit more complex than holding the door open for an elderly couple or sharing your French fries, though let’s face it, if you share your fries, you might already be at risk!
People pleasing is a persistent pattern of behavior where a person feels compelled to make others happy, often at their own expense (or suffering). It’s the need to say “yes” when it completely goes against how you feel internally. One way you can check in with yourself to see if you do this is by asking yourself how often you prioritize others’ needs and wants over your own. Some of my clients have said they feel taken advantage of or like they are a human doormat with a sign that reads, “Please Wipe Feet Here.” This is a huge indicator that you are not speaking up about how you really feel and that can have detrimental effects on your well-being, how you interact with and view the other person as well as your feelings towards them.
The Impact on You and Your Relationships
You may think, “Well, I like making people happy. Isn’t that a good thing?” And I’m here to clear that up: Yes, and no. Yes, being kind and considerate is a gift to humanity, like discovering a forgotten $20 in the back pocket of your jeans. But no, when it comes at the cost of your own happiness and well-being. If you’re a beginner in this self-awareness journey, it can be tricky to discern where the line is.
To clarify, I’ll give you an example. Ava is a 30-year-old graphic designer. She regularly accepts additional projects at work, even when her plate is already full. Ava feels pressure to say yes, fearing she might disappoint her boss or colleagues. So, she often works late hours, sacrificing her personal time and hobbies. Even though she feels overworked and stressed, she struggles with the thought of saying ‘no’ because she doesn’t want to seem unhelpful or risk damaging her workplace relationships.
Just in Ava’s case, you can see how this continuous cycle of people pleasing can cause a tsunami of emotional turmoil, including stress, anxiety and resentment. Regardless of the type of relationship, be it professional, romantic or personal, this dynamic can be destructive. While it might start as wanting to keep the peace, it often ends up creating more discord.
Breaking the People Pleasing Pattern
So, how do you hop off this unending people pleasing train? Well, just like you can’t expect to run a marathon after a single jog around the block, it’s not going to happen overnight. Here are some steps you can begin to put into practice:
1. Self-Awareness:
The first step to change is admitting you struggle with people pleasing. Try to get in touch with your motive because it’s not always the same for everyone. You can begin to explore when this behavior started or if you learned to people please from someone else in your family, for instance. It’s about realizing that your self-worth isn’t tied to others’ happiness or approval of you. So, get in touch with how you feel about yourself and not what others think and feel about you. Begin to accept that you are not loved for what you do, but simply for who you are – for your very essence. Instead of always focusing outward, turn inward and start there.
2. Establish Boundaries:
Setting boundaries is not about building walls but about defining what’s acceptable for you. Imagine drawing a line in the sand, firm and unwavering, without the constant threat of waves erasing it. In the same way, when you assert your boundaries and stand in your authenticity, you create a solid foundation that remains intact, unaffected by external pressures. It’s about stating what you can do, what you cannot do and not feeling guilty about it. This isn’t easy, but remember, you hold the ultimate responsibility for honoring your needs and prioritizing self-care, as does everyone else.
3. Learn to Say “No”:
Saying “No” can feel like you’re trying to climb Everest in your flip flops – daunting and almost impossible. However, mastering the art of saying “no” is a fundamental part of arresting people pleasing behavior. It’s about understanding that “no” is a complete sentence and doesn’t require justification or explanation. It’s highly uncomfortable, of course, but saying “no” isn’t an act of defiance. It’s actually an assertion of your personal needs. Ask yourself this: What makes someone else more important than you and your needs? Or, stated another way: What makes you any less deserving of being aligned with your true self?
4. Practice Self-Care:
Self-care is not just about long, hot baths and scented candles, as soothing as those can be. It’s about making time for activities that nourish your soul and recharge your mental batteries. Prioritize yourself and your needs. Maybe you have been a people pleaser for so long, you’re not even sure what you’re needs are. Well, start there. Take some quiet time with yourself and make a list. Start with simple steps like spending 10 minutes in solitude, taking a walk or engaging in a hobby you love. The greatest relationship you have is with yourself, so treat it with the same respect and care as you would any other relationship.
5. Seek Support:
It’s essential to have a support system, people who understand your journey and support your growth. They can be friends, family or a professional counselor or life coach. It’s like having a personal cheerleading squad encouraging you from the sidelines. There is mounting research that shows having support sets us up to feel better about ourselves. So, if you’re tribe is a little too small or non-existent, try making friends or surrounding yourself with people who have positive self-esteem.
6. Gradual Change:
Change isn’t a switch that you flip. It’s a process that takes time, patience and persistence. It’s about taking baby steps and celebrating the small victories along the way. Remember, even the mighty oak starts as a tiny acorn. More importantly, it’s crucial to recognize that people pleasing is a deeply ingrained behavior that has developed over the years. Just as it took time to build this pattern, it will also take time and effort to cultivate a healthy level of self-esteem that isn’t entangled in the illusions of deriving self-worth solely from others’ opinions or judgments of you.
The Bright Side of It All
Finally, let’s not demonize the entire concept of people pleasing. The capacity to think of others and act in a way that brings them joy is a beautiful quality. It shows empathy, kindness and love – the threads that weave the fabric of our shared humanity.
The key is to find a balance, a middle ground between being responsive to others’ needs without compromising our own. It’s about moving from people-pleasing to mutual respect, where decisions are guided by authenticity rather than fear of displeasure or rejection.
To wrap up, it’s essential to remember that your worth is not determined by others’ approval. You are not a human commodity whose value fluctuates based on the stock market of public opinion. You are an individual, with unique talents, strengths and perspectives that make you irreplaceable. If you can’t see how this is true for you or need help navigating this process, please book your session with me today! The first one is free and you can ask me all the questions you want or I can go right into coaching you. As always, be good to yourself!
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