From Indecision To Clarity: Overcoming Your Fears

“You can choose courage, or you can choose comfort, but you cannot choose both.”

~ Brené Brown

Ok, we’re gong to jump right into this one today! When I first started thinking about adding this topic to my blog, I got so excited. It sounds strange – I know. But, wrestling with indecision has been a long-standing, personal battle of mine. Much of my 20s and 30s were consumed with grappling over whether I was making the “right” decision or not. Living in a constant state of limbo like that can be outright exhausting. And the analysis paralysis that comes along with it is no picnic either! Exposing what’s on the other side of being indecisive is wildly freeing and empowering. And that’s what I’m going to share a little about with you today.

Now, you might believe that not making a decision at all is the safer bet, but have you ever stopped to think that inaction is, in itself, a decision? Consider for a moment that if you had the right tools to understand your fears, blocks and limiting beliefs, the decision making process wouldn’t be so daunting. In fact, it could border on effortless. Wouldn’t that be nice!

When I coach clients around indecision, we first begin to determine if the block to making a decision can be resolved through an action or inner process approach. This may sound a little technical, but stick with me. It will all come together.

External and Internal Barriers

An external barrier is resolved by applying an action step. So, if you’re struggling with a decision that would require an action approach, you may:

• Feel unsure about all your options and possibilities
• Be unclear about your financial situation
• Lack the necessary skills
• Not know the next steps to take

An internal barrier requires an internal, emotional approach also known as inner process. Some examples of this are:

• Fear of failure/success
• Fear of criticism
• Self-doubt
• Fear of not being loved
• Fear of being homeless
• Fear of losing something
• Lack of belief in self

Sometimes, both an external and internal barrier can challenge you. For example, many people have a fear of public speaking. They fear looking bad in front of people (internal barrier that you can resolve through inner process work), and they also lack the knowledge of how to write and give a speech (external barrier that you can overcome by taking action such as learning how to write a speech).

You may also find that you have confused these two in certain instances. In other words, let’s say you feel stuck because you lack a skill you need to move forward, but your inner critic jumps in and tells you that you’re not good enough. What may appear as an inner process block can actually be resolved by taking action: learning and practicing the necessary skill. Conversely, you may think that you’re not trying hard enough and need to work harder. But, it could be that you’re unaware of an underlying inner issue that sabotages your efforts and causes your action steps to not work.

Starting Point

I imagine as you’ve been reading this article, a decision that you have recently struggled with or are currently facing has come up. Hold that decision in your mind and look back on the internal and external barriers that I listed above. Starting with an action approach, turn the external barriers into questions for yourself:

1. Do I feel unsure about all my options and possibilities?
2. Do I feel unclear about my financial situation?
3. Do I lack the necessary skills?
4. Do I know what next steps to take?

I recommend you doing this with a pen and real paper. Numerous studies confirm that when individuals write by hand, significant mental and physical health improvements follow. Carve out some quiet time and ponder these questions for yourself so you can get clear on whether or not you need to take additional action. If you still feel unsure, after having take the action that was revealed through your answers, turn to the possible internal barriers that may be at play for you:

1. Am I afraid at failing or succeeding at this?
2. Do I fear that others will judge or criticize me?
3. Am I doubting my capabilities, inner knowing, etc?
4. If I do this (or don’t do this) am I afraid that someone will not love or accept me?
5. Do I fear I will have no place to live or go?
6. Am I afraid that I will lose X (job, relationship, opportunity, etc.)?
7. Do I not believe I have what it takes?

These questions are more introspective and the answers may not feel as easily accessible as the other ones. With that being said, exposing your fears and limiting beliefs that are behind them do hold the key to making decisions that feel good and properly aligned with your true authentic self. People can’t move through major issues or blocks by sheer willpower. However, sometimes just acknowledging your feelings and exposing your fears is enough. And other times, it requires additional help as you may realize you need to work through them with a trusted friend, coach or therapist.

Fear can often deceive you into thinking you don’t actually want what you’re considering. Embrace that it’s both normal and acceptable to be afraid, yet still pursue what you want. Those two things can paradoxically coexist and often will. Let’s say, for example, you hear this thought in your mind: “I would move to Chicago and take that job, but I’m scared.” Practice reframing it by saying the following for a couple of days and see how it feels: “I’m scared and I’m going to move to Chicago and take that job.” Many times the indecision will lift because you have allowed the fear to live side by side with your want as opposed to overpowering it.

Beneath the Indecision

You’ll see that the inner process blocks are the most important ones because they will continue to come up. These fears are often stem from past experiences that can cause you to want to protect yourself from future harm, shame, embarrassment, worry, etc. In fact, studies in neuroscience show that when someone tries to push away an uncomfortable inner experience, it actually becomes more entrenched. When you practice “compassionate awareness” — mindfully being with the experience without trying to change it – you reduce your suffering and make it easier for the experience to change on its own.

When I coach my clients through their inner process blocks, I use a specific approach that allows them to get to the heart of the issue. I offer up concrete and practical tools in session that enable them to sift through the fog of indecision, overcoming any obstacles impeding their decision-making process. Because that’s not possible to do with you here, I will leave you with a few more questions to ponder with regards to your fears:

• What belief do you have that could be driving your fear?
• What empowering belief could you adopt instead?
• What small action steps can you take to challenge the limiting belief?

Allow this to be a starting point for tackling your indecision. As you gain clarity and insights through this examination, consider taking more time to reflect on them by journaling, meditating and reasoning things out with a trust friend or coach. And lastly, check your decision against your core values. When you make decisions that support your core values, it allows you to feel properly aligned with your authentic self, leading to a more fulfilling life.

Final Thoughts on Indecision

As you start to uncover what’s preventing you from getting out of limbo and making a decision, remember that it’s a process. It needs time, patience, reflection, an open mind and a good dose of courage. Fear, in its odd way, is usually just trying to look out for us, but that doesn’t mean it always knows best. Embrace the idea that some fear may always linger. And if it does, that doesn’t necessarily mean you “shouldn’t” move forward. It’s simply your mind’s way of saying, “Hey, this might be a pitfall. Let’s explore this further and check it against reality before we press on.”

If you’re still feeling a bit uncertain or unsettled, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. Take advantage of your 30 minute coaching session. It’s entirely free! You can throw all the questions at me you can possibly muster. Or, we can dive right into your fears and indecision to see what’s actually holding you back. Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Until next time, be good to yourself!